What am I doing?

What am I doing with myself? I'm 23 years old, and from one standpoint, I have my whole life ahead of me. From another standpoint, I should be on my way towards something. Some end. Some goal. At the very least I should have some idea what I want to do with myself, shouldn't I? All I've ever been able to come up with is that I want to make an impact. No definition of what "impact" I want to have. My whole life I've consistently worked really hard to satisfy others. I've always been under the impression that it's a "middle child" thing. Some sort of striving for affection. I can't suggest that I've had some terrible life, quite the contrary. But I've had a difficult time deciding what or how to purely satisfy myself. That's what this rant is rooted in. Satisfying myself. Although not instantly...

Shortly after my twentieth birthday I took on a new attitude that, looking back, consumed my being. Instant gratification. I did things that made me feel good. I saw that my life to that point had been very planned (whether by myself or by someone else.) This led me down many roads, some physical, some spiritual, some emotional, and some dead ends. I did "good" things. I did "bad" things. Today, I feel that I've reached a reasonable conclusion based on these trips and journeys. I have far from abandoned this ideology. I've tried to incorporate it into my worldview. There are great things that have been a result of this attitude.

...but it's not enough. It's not fully satisfying.

I'm at a loss. That's all I've got. The only thing I can come up with is to consume as many ideas as possible. I've always been a collector. Legos, baseball cards, Jone's Soda bottles, Grateful Dead concerts, etc. My newest obsession is media. Movies, books, music. Documentaries. Drama. Comedy. Ideas. Intellectual property. But now I've come to the problem that there are only 24 hours a day. A third of them sleeping. A third of them working to pay the bills. That leaves very little time to satisfy all of my other desires.

Desires I either can't define or simply can't understand how to define or am terrified to define.

I've read (or heard, I can't quite remember) that one of the biggest problems with my generation is that we want what we want and we want it now! Think Veruca Salt..............but I can't quite grasp the balance I need to take. I want to know everything about many things. But I feel an sense of urgency to know it now. I guess I never have been good at putting in the work necessary to master things. I don't quite buy that I'm purely lazy. I think I'm highly intellecutally destractable. But that seems silly. This whole thing seems silly...

Maybe I'm just unsure. And absurdly nervous about it all. I guess I'm just restless.

I am only 23...I suppose I have a bit of time to make an impact. At least I'm going to keep telling myself that, until I have a clue or a path...